Self Defeating Behaviour

Today someone forwarded me the following quip in a funnies email.

A Skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

It got me thinking about the amounts of energy we put into pre-meditated acts of self-sabotage.

It also got me thinking how absolutely rational these behaviours appear to us before we begin to look at them from a different perspective.

Our behaviour may appear to be the only obvious thing to do, - because that's how I've always done it. – that’s how my family does it. - that's what make things feel ok. - It's what people are doing.

Look at the behaviours that leave you doing a whole lot of mopping up. It maybe, that on close inspection, the only merit of the behaviour is its painful familiarity and the pleasant distraction of mopping rather than living.

Self-defeating behaviours erode our self-esteem behind the scenes.

Self-defeating behaviours are defense mechanisms over which we repeatedly choose to trip. Self-defeating behaviours are relieved by addiction recovery programs

Picture from: fineartamerica.com/.../still-life-john-clum.html

Boundaries Are the only Thing that Stop the Pain

We need to learn them ASAP

How do we do this?

Be around people who hold healthy boundaries –
(Yes, We do aquire them by osmosis if we are willing.)
Remember that we dislike it when people do hold their boundaries with us and that we will fight them even though they are what we are looking for. Remember that in the beginning, it often feels like the good boundary holder is withholding from us and making decisions for us. It can feel very patronising to us.
It can look like rejection to us.

Ask yourself: Do I understand that enountering well held, healthy boundaries can feel like criticism?
Start practicing holding boundaries with yourself.
(Choose something small and easy to stick to.)
(Do not give in, no matter who you displease, including yourself.)

Having boundaries means we need to understand what healthy boundaries and healthy boundary holding looks like.

Do not confuse them with crazy behaviour or acting out.

Ask Yourself:

Can I trust that boundary holding = love and respect?

Can I see that consequences (Yes, all of them), are merciful?

Am I using the idea of boundaries to mask or even create crazy behaviour?

Am I using boundaries to feel criticised or hard done by?

Do I Understand the the Clarity that comes from a well held boundary is one of the purist forms of love?

Am I resisting the love expressed in a boundary?

Am I rejecting the boundary because I am resisting or am frightened of the love or intimacy that the boundary makes possible?

Do we use boundaries to not ask for help?

Some tips for bouandary Boundary setting.

1) Lovingly and with a smile, remember that your ego is huge.

2) It helps to make a new boundary explicit rather than to just act from it. It shows greater love compassion and understanding for yourself and others.

3) Express the boundaries.

4) Respect that it may take us a bit of time to find the right words to express our boundary and that it might work that way for others too.

5) Do not be triggered by the noise and building dust of someone elses boundary setting. Give them space to build that boundary as much as you resist the change it might mean to your life. There will be a time that you will need time, space and tollerance too.

6) Boundaries are our keys to self-esteem

7) Boundaries are the mechanism by which we can choose, make a conscious decision) not to let our current sufferring lead to more suffering. (Boundaries are the only thing that stop the pain).

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SAY NO. AND THEN LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH NOT TO GIVE IN.

For more Self-Esteem topic call me on 083 318 9929.

Join our Weekly Work Group in Cape Town, Johannesburg or Port Elizabeth, South Africa, to Explore boundaries and stopping the pain and other topics like this.

Self-Esteem often means Recovering from Trauma

At the Institute of Self-Esteem for Africa, we believe in the sharing of stories as one powerful method of initiating the trauma recovery that so aids the re-establishment of healthy self-esteem.

Judith Lewis Herman in her book, Trauma and Recovery, 1992 puts it thus:

The Core experiences of psychological Trauma are disempowerment and disconnection from others. Recovery, therefore based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections.

The sharing of stories does just this.

Join us at Self-Esteem weekly Work Group on Monday nights in Wynberg, Cape Town, South Africa to begin the healing of working within a group.

These evenings are fun, supportive and transformative.

Should you wish to join us please RSVP by Mail or call our Bookings line on 073 971 1673.

To discover more about the institute and the programs we run see our website

http://www.selfesteemfa.co.za/ or click on any of the links below.

Self-esteem one on one mentoring

Self-esteem work groups

Self-esteem one day workshop Series

Self-esteem bookshop & Recommended reading list

Self-Esteem and Decision Making

Self-Esteem is greatly enhanced by knowing how to make a decision and stick to it in the face of not being able to predict the outcome of implementing a decision. Getting through the anxiety of 'not kinowing' without moiving the goal post is aqn art thaqt can be learned. The Institute of Self-Esteem for Africa is running workshops in Cape-Town, Johannesburg and Port Elizabeth in May 2010.

Workshop 1: Keys to Self-Esteem

What is self esteem?
The problem of Low self-Esteem
The Pathological Critic
Compassion
Establishing Worth
______________________________________
Workshop 2: Criticism & Values

Responding to Criticism
The Shoulds
Defining my Values
______________________________________
Workshop 3: Handling Mistakes

Handling Mistakes
Awareness
Asking for what I want
______________________________________
Workshop 4: What I Need

Accurate Self-assessment
Goal Setting
Recognising Achievement
______________________________________
Workshop 5: Facing the Pain

I am still not ok
Facing the pain
The Five Relationships
______________________________________
Workshop 6: Anchoring Joy

Visualisation
Anchoring the good times
Writing the Rules
______________________________________
Workshop 7: New Decisions

Releasing Judgment
Working with Defense Mechanisms
Owning my choices
Making Body decisions
______________________________________

Read more about these workshops

Food For Thought:

“If you have adequate self-esteem, you also have a degree of confidence in yourself. You keep yourself secure by confronting or eliminating things that frighten you. You solve problems instead of worrying about them, and you find ways to make people respond positively to you. You cope directly with interpersonal conflicts rather than wait for them to pass. Conversely, low self-esteem robs you of confidence. You don’t feel as able to cope with feelings of anxiety, interpersonal problems, or challenging risks. Life is more painful because you don’t feel as effective, and it’s hard to face the anxiety involved in making things change.

This is where the critic comes in. People with low self-esteem often rely on the critic to help them cope with feelings of anxiety, helplessness, rejection, and inadequacy. Paradoxically, while the critic is beating you up, he is also making you feel better. This is why it’s so hard to get rid of the critic. He can play a crucial role in making you more safe and comfortable in the world. Unfortunately the price you pay for the critics support is very high and further undermines your sense of worth. But you are reinforced to keep listening because every time your critic pipes up you feel a little less anxious, less incompetent, less powerless, or less vulnerable to others.”

Extract from Self-Esteem (McKay & Fanning, 2000. Pp 21.)

View our on-line Recovery Bookshop

Order a Copy of Self-Esteem by McKay & Fanning

View our Interactive Workshop Blog

Connect to Institute of Self-Esteem for Africa (I-SEA) Website



Healthy self-esteem means that you have the capacity to see your dreams and visions fulfilled.

Get the help you need to be effective in your world.


To have the job and the income that you deserve.

To have and enjoy the kind of relationships that you would like.


Self-Esteem is the key to a rich, meaningful life.